Elon Musk meets a Yoruba auntie—after three jollof martinis
Let’s be honest: dating apps are designed to keep you single.
Their algorithms thrive on your loneliness because the more you swipe, the more ads you see. They sell hope by matching you with someone “98% compatible,” only for that person’s bio to read, “I breathe oxygen.” That’s not compatibility; that’s a cry for help.
Even the so-called “date ideas” are detached from reality. Hinge says, “Go stargazing.” In Lagos? With light pollution that could rival heaven’s gates? Please.
My Breakthrough
I met my current partner in a suya queue.
He dropped his moin-moin. I caught it.
He said, “You’re quick.”
I replied, “So’s your heart rate after that pepper.”
Eight months later, we’re still together. No swipes. No algorithms. Just suya smoke and chemistry.
The Anti-Algorithm Dating Strategy
1. The Suya Cart Ambush
Stand near the cart. If someone offers you their last puff-puff, that’s your real-life swipe right. Ask, “Which pepper makes you cry?” Their answer tells you everything about their emotional availability.
2. The Generator Serenade
When the inevitable blackout hits, use your phone light and sing something completely off-key. If they laugh instead of cringing, that’s a sign of long-term potential.
3. The Aunty Interrogation
If an aunty starts asking questions about your life, don’t run. If she ends the conversation with, “You’ll do,” take off. If she says, “Come and eat,” congratulations—you’ve found family.
Why This Works
Real human connection beats algorithmic “compatibility” every time.
Sharing suya builds trust faster than any dating profile.
And Lagos traffic? It’s not a curse—it’s free relationship time without Wi-Fi distractions.
Your Weekend Rebellion
This Sunday, delete one dating app. Step outside. Find a street food spot. Order extra onions. If someone’s moin-moin falls, catch it. Smile and say, “My treat. Now tell me about your mother.”
True love isn’t found in algorithms—it’s found in queues.
