If Bourdain and a stand-up comic had a lovechild raised in Yaba!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s get one thing straight: I didn’t choose suya. Suya chose me.
After my gym membership expired and my kale smoothie betrayed me (yes, it judged me), I stumbled into Lagos’ greatest open-air gym: the street food circuit.
The Problem with “Wellness”:
Modern fitness is a scam.
- Running on a treadmill? You’re literally paying to go nowhere.
- “Clean eating”? My ancestors survived the Middle Passage on pounded yam.
- SoulCycle? Honey, our souls don’t need cycling. They need suya.
The Suya Cart Workout Protocol (Scientifically Dubious but Spiritually Valid):
- The Chase (Calorie Burn: 300+)
Spot a suya cart. It’s moving. Always. Run after it while yelling “Oga, hold my place!” (Pro tip: Wear slides. You’ll look cool even when sprinting.) - The Negotiation (Core Engagement: MAX)
Stand tall. Demand extra ata rodo. When vendor says “Pepper no free,” counter: “Then give me double onions—I’ll pay in good karma.” (Your abs will tighten from suppressed laughter.) - The Consumption (Metabolic Fire)
Eat standing. One hand holding moin-moin, the other swatting flies. Never sit. Gravity is your gym partner. - The Aftermath (Full-Body Glow)
Sweat like you ran a marathon. Cry from the pepper. Laugh when a stranger hands you water. This is cardio.
Why It Beats SoulCycle:
- Burns calories and generational trauma (that ogbono soup? It’s liquid therapy).
- Builds community: The man who shared his last puff-puff? Now he’s your emergency contact.
- Zero shame: Spill suya on your shirt? “Ah, you’re baptized,” says the vendor.
Your Weekend Ritual Upgrade:
DO THIS SUNDAY:
Skip the kitchen. Hunt a suya cart. Order extra onions. Do the “Suya Shuffle” (hips sway + head nod = instant joy). Text me when you realize: Wellness isn’t a diet. It’s a dance with the city.
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